Are you out there, listening, like a sunny day beyond the horizon?

Blah.

This was gonna be a long post. It *was* a long post. I just deleted it now, and I'll leave the 20th of January with one thing;

I don't even know anymore. I keep thinking I've stumbled back onto some form of a path, and by the time I turn around to see the path that now lies before me, I trip and fall and find a new path to trip and fall off of.

Someone, please, please catch me.

No, not someone. Her.

Just catch me.

Fale

Hmmm

This is mostly a rant post.

I don't know why I have the kind of anger I do. Almost nobody will ever see it, the normal people I talk to once in a while don't think I'm an angry person, they probably don't even think I'm very mean, put aside my sarcastic tone and smarter-then-thou jokes, I'm a nice guy.

The people that I care about the most seem to get the worst out of me, and I don't know why.

I do my best to cage it, control it, harness it, and even use it to my advantage. But it never seems to work the way I want it to when I want it to. I'll get extremely angry at someone inside, but I won't show it. Then, I'll get just a tiny bit unhappy at someone close and I'll explode in their face for no apparent reason. Don't the people that really make me mad deserve the explosion?

I hate when there are things about me out of my literal control. Sigh..

All in all, today wasn't a bad day. IT RAINED! I love the rain! It seemed to wash away the grime and guck that has been accumulating for a few days on the edge of my life. I feel clean, renewed, refreshed. I feel healed. I'm ready to awake and take on a new day now.

I did miss one thing, that I would have liked to have had, but, it's fine. Life goes on.

Short post for short feeling. Actually, I have a lot of feeling. I'm just not feeling the need to express it all right now. I think some sleeping pills, no dreams, and a text from the one I love tomorrow morning will set me up for success.

I miss you, D. <3

&Faled

=|

Here I am today, as I am everyday, hiding my emotion for the world. Everyone looks in and sees what I want them to, because very few can glimpse past my shadow of lies. I ask myself if it's right, if I should stop, if I should keep on trooping, or if I should just give up.

If there's a god, of perhaps a general overall being of the world that has passed, I feel they are telling me to keep trying, keep pushing, and they empower my ability to have self confidence, and destroy my ability to have self doubt. This is not without consequence, however. The consequence inlying is my feeling. My feeling is on the line, and I am not able to grab it, take it back, and declare it mine again. No, it's hers. She has to take it, or give it back.

I look into the sky, alone, in the dark. I sometimes think, or even hope, that someone is looking back at me. I wonder if, once we die, we all group into a huge ball of existence, and watch as the world we left plays onward. I believe that Heaven is not a place of clouds and angels, but I believe Heaven is the gift we get for leading our lives the way we see fit to lead them. If we choose to smoke, we smoke. Drink, we drink. Hallucinate, we do. Dream, we do. Rape, we do. Kill, we do. Live. We do. The people that exist in the shadow of another, the ones that lead their lives as a reflection of someone else's, I believe, are the ones that do not get the treat to look back down once they fly up. If you live your life the way you want to - dangerously, cautiously, deadly, stupidly - then you will find that the end life is more favorable of you.

For the first time in my life today, I did something I was always told not to do. I was always warned against, spat upon, gloomed up to. I was afraid, not so much of the result, but of the trouble. For the first time in a long time, I enjoyed myself for being who I am, and doing what I feel fit to do. I was not pushed, pulled, shoved.

This is all just a rant - I'm not really sure it has any point.

But I had a good day.

I love you.

I love all of you.

I will always be here for anyone that needs me. Come find me in my corner of the Earth, I'll share it with you, fight for it with you, and live in it with you.

<3

(Triple D. Without which, I would not likely be here today. My soul is bound to yours, yes, soulbound. Let our spirits roam the eternities freely, but always within eachother's grasp.)

College Essay - Diana

    I've traveled the world. I've climbed to staggering heights, and I've been to the ocean floor. I've seen the ancient civilization of Greece. I've walked the great city of Rome, and have seen the old Roman Coliseum battleground. Yet no matter how far I have gone, or how far I will go, the biggest influence and impact on my life came from the little Arizonan city of Surprise. It was quite a surprise indeed, but not one I had ever expected. Diana Danger walked into my life on October 29th, 2009. Since that day, my life could otherwise be someone else's life, I have changed that much. She has given me a new outlook on life, and has helped me map the road to my future.

    Before I met Diana, I could be perhaps what you call a social recluse. I spent most of my time inside, playing alone on my computer, or on a video game console of some kind. I got outside, but it wasn't very often. Even less often were the times when I got out into public, just to hang out. Hanging out with my friends consisted of staying inside with them, doing the same kind of things I do, like playing on the computer, but with another person in the room. Until I got my license, started driving, and met Diana, I didn't think that would ever change. Diana is pretty much the exact opposite of who I used to be. While I would be inside wallowing in the dark, Diana would be outside breathing in the life filled air, enjoying every second the most she possibly could. Once I met this amazing person, I was able to see the outside world through a pair of borrowed eyes. She taught me to understand that being outside, free, imaginative, and generally more outgoing are healthy and will always benefit my life in the end.

    Who I was in my past is always going to be a part of me. I hope to see the essence that is the present me in the future for a long while to come, but only time can tell that story. However, it can't be said that Diana has not helped me plan into my future in addition to swaying my present. Merely a few months ago to this day, my future was a cloudy, uncertain, and perhaps entirely frightening one, that I was scared to step into. Now, though, my future is a much more clear, bright, and welcoming one filled with the chance of prosperity and success. I feel more confident in myself, and in my ability to do what I do best, which is something I have almost never felt. It can be easily said that this girl, this being, this inspiration, perhaps gave me the step up I needed to become what I aim to be in my life.

    It has only been a few months since I met her. Yet, now, it feels as if I have known her my entire life, and everything that I am is intertwined within her earthen spirit, a spirit that has taught me more in a few months then my life, my travels, my expeditions, my family, and my other friends have taught me in the course of 17 years. It is sometimes said that most teenagers have one event, or thing that happened to them that helped mold them into the way their life played out. In many years, even if we move apart, split up, become distant, or become disconnected entirely; I will forever be able to reference Diana Danger Peterson as the event that opened my eyes, changed my life, and pushed me down the road to my future.

Who knows?

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. Maybe, it's because I like for people to read it. I'd like for everyone to have a view into the rather insane mind that I posses inside of my head.

I sometimes wish I could explain why things happen, why everything happens, and why it happens to me. Sometimes, I wish that I could wish for things too. But who am I? I am but a teenager. I have so much left of my life to live, who am I to lack hope now?

Then again, who says a teenager doesn't have the right to give up hope already? Look at the world we're in. Would anyone really want to live in this world? If we all had a choice before we were born. If we could see the life we were going to lead - would we choose it? If we could peer into the 100 some years that we would either suffer, prosper, or lay dormant in, would we pick it?

The world we live in today is far beyond the kind of world I had ever hoped to live in. When I was younger, I had an amazing outlook on the world: I thought that all people were kind, nice, giving, caring, compassionate. It was this flaw that probably caused me the biggest issue. When I finally reached the real world, I hadn't expected it to be this way. I had learned it all wrong. Thanks, parents. Your preparation barely allowed me to survive a day. This is not your fault, though. Who could have known the world would change so? If every other kid's families taught them the same as mine taught me, we might live in a much better world.

I have learned, not from the horrible past in which I seeded from, but from the glimpses of happy I had throughout my childhood. I cling to them, as I cling to one person that wont cling back the way I want her to.

Now that I'm here, in the world, I come to realize something: There is still so much world left. I'm 17, aren't I? What about the next 60 years? If things are this bad already, 17 years in, what will it be like at 35? Will I be happy?

I question everything. I dive, deeply, into all subjects. I listen, learn, read, see, heard, smell, and feel from every source I can.

What will happen next?

I do not know. As I said; if I had known, I do not know if I would choose to be here as I am.

But maybe, for her...Just to have the time I have had and may have with her. I think, the current 17 years, plus the next....60-80? I think, even if they are horrible, the time I've had with her will mend all things. I beg, pray, hope, believe that I will not have to trek my life onwards alone.

Triple D, I need you. I will always need you.

This is no cry out for love. This is no cry for attention. This is a cry to the billions upon trillion of bits that fly through the world, in hopes that just a few thousand of those bits can manage to bring me into the arms of whom I hold the closest, in the hopes that she will hold me close once again as well.

<3